Defeating Feminine Toxicity: My Journey and Vision
Throughout my life, I’ve been on a deeply personal journey of self-discovery and reflection. As someone who’s spent years unpacking the layers of societal conditioning, I’ve come to see something that isn’t often spoken about: feminine toxicity. We hear a lot about toxic masculinity, and while that conversation is critical, there’s an equally important dialogue that needs to happen around the toxic patterns that exist within femininity—patterns shaped by cultural norms, societal pressures, and centuries of suppression.
Feminine toxicity can take many forms. It shows up in misogyny disguised as “self-improvement,” in competing with and comparing ourselves to other women, and in internalizing the message that we must make ourselves smaller—literally and figuratively. We diet, suppress our voices, tone down our expressions, and squeeze ourselves into roles that society deems acceptable, often at the expense of our true selves.
For years, I unknowingly played into this. I dimmed my light, silenced my voice, and pushed my body to fit a mold that was never designed to hold me. I compared myself to other women and sometimes felt envious instead of inspired. I bought into the idea that there was only so much space for women to succeed and that lifting another woman up might somehow diminish me.
But I’ve since learned a profound truth: the scarcity mindset is a lie. There is infinite space for all of us to shine. My healing journey has been about breaking free from these toxic patterns and stepping into a more compassionate, empowering way of being—not just for myself, but for the women around me.
A key part of this journey has been learning to hold myself and others accountable in a compassionate way. Within friendships and trusted relationships, accountability is an act of love. It’s about saying, “I see you, I care about you, and I want better for you.” It’s also about being open to hearing those same words in return, even when it’s uncomfortable.
However, this accountability requires a deep level of self-awareness. Without it, we risk falling into the traps of gaslighting or projecting our own insecurities onto others. It’s essential to approach these conversations with humility, integrity, and the understanding that none of us are perfect. Therapy has been an invaluable tool for me in this process. Having a non-biased space to explore my thoughts and unpack internalized misogyny has been transformational. Therapy has helped me develop the self-awareness and emotional regulation needed to navigate these conversations with clarity and compassion.
Now, I’m working to set a different example. I’m committed to lifting other women up in every way I can. When I see something beautiful in a woman—whether it’s her energy, her resilience, her style, or her success—I make it a point to say it out loud. I celebrate her achievements, big and small: the bravery it takes to leave a toxic relationship, the grace in navigating motherhood, the pride in building a career, or even the way she’s chosen to express herself through her makeup or outfit.
It’s not just about offering compliments; it’s about actively dismantling the systems that pit us against one another. Every time I choose to celebrate another woman instead of competing with her, I take a step toward breaking the cycle of feminine toxicity.
One author who has profoundly influenced my thinking on this topic is Glennon Doyle, particularly through her book Untamed. Doyle speaks candidly about the ways women are conditioned to live within “cages” built by societal expectations. She challenges us to reclaim our wild, untamed selves and to stop shrinking to fit into spaces that weren’t designed for our full power. Her words remind me that the path to defeating feminine toxicity isn’t about judgment or blame; it’s about compassion—compassion for ourselves and for the women who are still trapped in these patterns.
Doyle’s call to “become untamed” resonates deeply with me. It’s a reminder that the work starts within. We cannot dismantle feminine toxicity without first examining and unlearning the ways it has taken root in our own lives. And as we do that, we can extend grace and understanding to others who are on their own journeys.
So, what can we do, as women and as a society, to tackle feminine toxicity in a compassionate way?
• Celebrate abundance: There is no limit to how many women can thrive. Success isn’t a pie with limited slices.
• Compliment freely and authentically: A genuine acknowledgment of another woman’s beauty, strength, or accomplishments can be transformative.
• Reject competition: Instead of comparing, ask, “What can I learn from her?” or “How can I support her?”
• Speak your truth: Use your voice, even when it shakes. Your authentic self is your greatest gift.
• Hold compassionate accountability: Within trusted relationships, lovingly call each other forward when harmful patterns emerge.
• Protect your energy: Be mindful of gaslighting and projections. Cultivate self-awareness to discern what is yours to carry and what is not.
• Seek support: Therapy can be a powerful way to uncover and dismantle internalized misogyny while gaining tools to navigate relationships with integrity.
The work isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary. Feminine toxicity thrives in silence and suppression. By speaking up, celebrating one another, holding each other accountable, and rejecting the toxic narratives we’ve been fed, we can create a new reality—one where women stand together, stronger and more radiant than ever.
Let’s choose compassion. Let’s choose connection. Let’s choose to rise together.
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